Episode 5: The #1 Secret to Date Nights That Create Connection in Your Relationship

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What's the number one secret to date nights that create connection in your relationship? That's what you'll find out on today's episode of Play Dates for Couples. Before we get to that, I wanna invite you to take the What's Your Play Personality quiz, to discover your play type for your relationship so you can create a deeper connection and add fun back into your date nights.

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You can sign up at playdatesforcouples.com/quiz. Now let's talk about that number one secret for awesome date nights.

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In all your busyness as a couple did date nights just disappear? If you're like half of couples in a recent study they did. And so you either don't have date nights at all or you don't have them very often. Date nights have been shown to result in more satisfying relationships and they result in connection, which I've heard from you is one of the top things you want to get back in your relationship.

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So stick around 'cause I'm gonna show you the number one secret to simple date nights that create connection in your relationship, plus a bunch more key factors for date nights that can all be tied together in a way that doesn't feel impossible in all your busyness. So let's get to it. Being intentional about date nights has been one of the biggest factors in building a deeper connection between myself and my partner.

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So I also know personally that date nights don't have to be boring. They don't have to become non-existent in all your busyness. And they can actually be simple. So let's explore together a bit, because what's super interesting, especially for my nerd brain, is to look at what comes from the research on date nights, and part of that is the number one secret. So let's dive into the nerdy stuff. A key piece of research that's referred to in a lot of the studies that came after it is about something called self-expansion.

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Basically self-expansion is the idea that as humans, we want to grow and expand ourselves. We grow by having new experiences, learning new perspectives and gaining new skills. And as this research said, a main way that we do this is through close relationships, because the other person's resources, perspectives and identities become part of us that kind of intertwine. For example,

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like my partner, I became a basketball watcher as I took on that identity and grew in my love for the sport. Some later researchers showed what I'm sure you can totally relate to early on in your relationship. There are lots of opportunities for self-expansion because you and your partner are learning new things about each other and having lots of experiences together that allow for growth.

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Also for that intertwining of yourselves. Over time though, as you get to know each other and things get busy, those opportunities decrease. So you already have that feeling of being intertwined with your partner, so things kind of move into a routine that can feel like the same-old, same-old, but they showed that engaging in shared activities that are new, exciting, interesting, challenging and self-expanding can bring back the feelings of self-expansion and increase your satisfaction in your relationship.

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But wait a second. I don't know about you, but when I think about new, exciting, interesting, challenging and expanding, I think about constantly needing to come up with new and different ideas and I think about time and expense and going out a lot. Definitely not simplicity. So is that just me or are you thinking the same thing?

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Stick with me here because I think you'll be happy with what I'm about to share. Those same researchers did some other studies that showed three really fascinating things. Number one. In relationships, some people are motivated by achieving positive outcomes like intimacy and growth. These kinds of goals are called approach relationship goals.

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Other people are motivated by avoiding negative outcomes like rejection and conflict. These kinds of goals are called avoidance relationship goals. Evidence shows that people who have approach relationship goals have greater relationship quality than people with avoidance relationship goals. Number two. Evidence shows that people with approach relationship goals experience more self-expansion and more exciting date nights.

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And through this study, it was discovered that this is because they plan them. And they plan more exciting ones that promote self-expansion and therefore more closeness. So people can be proactive about increasing self-expansion in their relationship by planning exciting date nights with their partner.

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And this is huge because even though research shows the benefits of date nights, couples tend not to have them. And planning might seem like the opposite of exciting 'cause it's not spontaneous, but it ensures that date nights actually happen. Number three. Another mind blowing and relieving finding was that what's exciting and expansive is determined by the couple.

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In other words, it only matters what you think in terms of what's exciting. What's exciting to you, might be boring to someone else and vice versa. So it's already starting to sound more simple, right? Plan date nights that are exciting to you because it's less about what the date actually is and more about how exciting and expanding you think it is. And maybe for you, it's like me and my partner, which is really simple stuff at home is exciting to us. And some other researchers did some studies and found what I call the number one secret to date nights that create connection in your relationship.

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They discovered that the keyest of keys is the underlying motivation for creating and having date nights. When date nights are motivated by relationship or partner goals rather than self-oriented or self-expansive goals, they're seen more positively and are more successful in terms of resulting in even more closeness and greater relationship quality.

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Examples of relationship goals might be to spend more time together, to create memories or to enhance closeness and intimacy. An example of a partner goal is to increase your understanding of your partner. And examples of self-oriented or self-expansive goals are to relieve boredom because you enjoy it or because it's exciting to you.

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The reason that relationship or partner motivation is better is likely because when there's an underlying motivation to improve your relationship or to get to know your partner more, the date nights tend to be less stressful and lead to more self-disclosure, connection and enjoyment and participation from both partners.

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Interestingly, self-expansion is also enhanced as a result. When there's an underlying motivation that's solely self-oriented or self-expansive, it might create stress and tension between partners and therefore be less successful in creating intimacy. So it's not about the type of activity that you do for your date nights or even about your own assessment that it's exciting.

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It's about the underlying motivation and also both partners being part of it. Now, certainly there's nothing wrong with self-expansion or including new and fun things in your date nights if you want to. There's also nothing wrong with simple, mundane things, including things at home like talking, reading together or watching a movie because they increase self-disclosure and deeper understanding of your partner, which boosts intimacy, which increases relationship satisfaction. Likely of variety of date

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night ideas is a good. Everyone is unique. But this number one secret that the underlying motivation matters most is refreshing and something I wish I knew a long time ago myself. So to summarize. There's evidence to show that having exciting self-expansive date nights brings back that spark from early in your relationship.

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People with approach relationship goals experience more exciting and self-expansive date nights because they plan them. Since many couples tend to not have date nights even though they know the benefits, planning could ensure that date nights actually happen. Number three, what's considered exciting and expansive only needs to be decided by you, which is a huge relief because it's less about what the date actually is and more about how exciting and expanding you think it is.

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And the number one secret to date nights that create connection in your relationship is that it's not about the type of activity you do for your date nights or even about your own assessment that it's exciting. It's about the underlying motivation, which is best when it's a relationship or partner motivation and a partner or relationship oriented motivation reduces stress, increases self-disclosure and also makes it so that both partners are involved.

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So. My intention is that you've seen how important date nights are for your relationship and that you can start having them again in a way that's totally doable in your busy life. Simply that you can plan some easy and exciting-to-you date nights that will boost connection.

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If you liked this episode, check out the next one about 10 ways to connect as a couple, even if you're busy. And be sure to follow the show so you don't miss any episodes. Thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next one.