Episode 4: The Real Reason Couples Don't Have Date Nights

Speaker: 00:00:00

What's the real reason that so many couples don't have date nights or have them only from time to time? That's what we'll talk about today on Play Dates for Couples. Before we do that, I wanna invite you to take the What's Your Play Personality quiz to discover your play type for your relationship so you can create a deeper connection and add fun back into your date nights. You can sign up at playdatesforcouples.com/quiz. Now let's talk about why couples don't have date nights, including the real reason.

2

: 00:00:30

Did you know that 52% of couples don't have date nights? And did you know that date nights have been shown to contribute to happier, more stable and more satisfying relationships? So why do so many couples not have them? Let's take a look at that, including the real reason for the lack of date nights and let me know if you've thought the same thing.

3

: 00:00:51

So there are lots of reasons that couples give for not wanting to have date nights. Maybe some of these sound familiar. The first one that probably comes to mind is lack of time. Busy schedules and responsibilities can make it hard for couples to find time for regular day nights. So they don't happen at all, or they happen only on rare occasions.

4

: 00:01:12

Someone said to me recently, "But date nights are the first thing to fall away." Yup. That happens for a lot of people. The second common reason that couples don't have date nights is that they don't want another expense. They think that going out for a date night is too expensive, especially if they have budget constraints, kids or other financial priorities.

5

: 00:01:35

Needing childcare might be a third reason that couples don't have date nights. Arranging childcare can be tough for a variety of reasons and it can add another expense on top of the other ones. A fourth reason that couples don't have date nights is that they get into a rut with them. So in other words, you're bored.

6

: 00:01:53

You're bored with each other. When your relationship was new, everything felt fun, fresh and exciting. You had lots to learn about each other and now that you've been together for many years and life kind of took over with all its busyness, you're feeling a little bored with each other. You feel like you know each other well already and the routines of life have settled in.

7

: 00:02:14

To take that a little further, you're bored with conversations. You feel like you don't have a lot to talk about anymore. The topics of your conversations are usually the daily logistics types of things like who's picking up milk on the way home, which kid has which class or sporting event that week, who's picking them up and whether or not you're gonna go to the in-laws for dinner on the weekend.

8

: 00:02:35

You're also bored with life with the same old, same old. So that routine that I mentioned earlier? That has settled in with date nights if they happen at all. It's also settled in with intimacy and with life in general and you kind of roll your eyes when you think about having a date night. You're exhausted and it feels so much easier to veg out on the couch in front of Netflix.

9

: 00:02:55

You're also bored because you're not connected through the little things each day. These little connection points can make a huge difference and add little sparks in ways that only take a few seconds or a few minutes but if you're not doing them, you don't get those sparks to add a little fun and excitement into the boredom.

10

: 00:03:15

You're also bored with ideas for date nights because dinner out or activities that take time and money become the norm. And this is a pet peeve of mine actually. Why is it that so many couples think that going out for dinner is what date nights are all about? It's the easy thing that comes to mind and you just don't really have many other ideas, so you default to dinner.

11

: 00:03:38

When they feel routine or boring, it can be easy to let them go when other things take priority in your busy life. So I'd love to invite you to take the What's Your Play Personality quiz, to discover your play type for play dates or date nights. Knowing your play type can help you add that spark back and give you ideas that feel fun to you.

12

: 00:03:58

So you can do that at playdatesforcouples.com/quiz. Speaking of your busy life. Another reason for not having date nights is that you're exhausted. After working all day and raising a family, sometimes the last thing you wanna do is think about a date night. Everything else becomes a priority.

13

: 00:04:19

Communication challenges are a sixth reason that you might not have date nights. If you disagree about what you wanna do or whether you wanna do anything at all, it can feel like more of a strain to plan and have date nights than you can handle. Or taking it a bit deeper into the seventh reason,

14

: 00:04:36

if there are issues or conflicts in your relationship that are unresolved, it can feel hard or impossible to enjoy date nights together. When there's tension between you, it's hard to connect or even talk about a date night. You feel more like disconnected roommates than romantic partners and when that stress is added to all the other stuff of life that you're dealing with, it feels easier to not deal with date nights at all.

15

: 00:04:59

The eighth reason that couples don't have date nights is that they feel obligated due to social pressure. And I don't know about you, but when I feel like I'm supposed to do something, I'm a lot less likely to do it. The ninth reason that couples don't have date nights is that we're often distracted by the tech and the devices in our lives. So even if we have them, date nights don't feel like a time of connection. But the tenth reason and the real reason that couples don't have date nights is because of what they think date nights need to be.

16

: 00:05:32

And this is underlying a couple of the reasons that I already shared. Most couples think that date nights need to involve new and exciting ideas that have to take place outside the home. This causes date nights to feel time consuming, potentially expensive, stressful and plain old impossible to do. So do you think this too?

17

: 00:05:53

If you do, you'll be happy to know that it's just not true. To find out why and to discover what's actually needed for effective date nights, check out the next episode about the number one secret to date nights that create connection in your relationship. But regardless of your reasons, when couples don't have date nights, connection and intimacy can suffer Often in all the busyness. Your relationship falls down in the priority list and date nights fall even further down. But you end up feeling like you're just going through the motions of life and even like you're on survival mode and you feel more like disconnected roommates than connected romantic partners.

18

: 00:06:31

You might also feel isolated, unsupported, frustrated, bored and like you're not seen, heard or understood by your partner. But when you do have date nights, you can improve communication with your partner through creating opportunities to talk outside of the regular daily grind. And this can help you feel seen, heard and understood in your relationship.

19

: 00:06:51

You can add a spark of fun back into your relationship because otherwise it can start to feel like that same old, same old over time. You can increase romance, which can result in greater sexual satisfaction, as well as just that spark of romance.

20

: 00:07:05

You can increase commitment from putting each other and your relationship first, which can help with feeling supported. And you can reduce stress from enjoying time together away from the usual stresses of life, which is just awesome for so many reasons. So to recap, there are many reasons why couples don't have date nights, but the real reason

21

: 00:07:26

is what they think date nights need to be. And it makes sense that you think this because it's the narrative that gets talked about out there. However, that perspective just isn't true. And when you know the truth about the real reason, it makes all the difference. So now that you know the real reason, definitely check out the number one secret to date nights to find out what the truth actually is.

22

: 00:07:48

You can do that in the next episode. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss more episodes that support you in improving intimacy connection and communication. And let me know which one of the reasons for not having date nights you resonate with most. You can message me over on Instagram if you're there @leannechesser or come join The Couple's Playhouse at playdatesforcouples.com/playhouse. And the links to all of these things are also in the show notes.

23

: 00:08:16

Thanks for listening and see you in the next one!